


Good Talk

by sergeant_angel



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Messing with Tony, Multi, Poor Bruce, i could write actual quality stuff for this relationship tag but do i?, look i have no idea what's happeining here, no actual sex happens but the whole fic is talking about sex so, nobody being tony, sex pollen fic with no sex pollen, that is the most obvious thing but nobody knows, the answer is no, this was written in an evening, tony is just trying to be a good bro, which is no excuse, why am i this person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:51:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sergeant_angel/pseuds/sergeant_angel
Summary: When post-op bloodwork comes back showing signs of SEX POLLEN Tony is off to save the day! and team relationships!only he's too lateOR: someone screws with Tony's lab results and he winds up finding out things he was happier not knowing





	Good Talk

**Author's Note:**

> y'all just  
> I don't even know how or why this happened but it did  
> like I said in the tags, no actual sex happens but the whole fic is basically just talking about sex and sex pollen and also cuddling on sofas

" _What_ ," Steve growls, door half open. It's enough so that Tony can see Steve's hair sticking up in every direction, and the very obvious bite marks on his chest.

Shit. He's too late. Tony and Bruce fucked up, and Steve and whoever he's got in his quarters are going to suffer for it.

"His eyes are dilated," Bruce notes.

Steve growls for real this time. "What do you _want_?"

"Steve. Buddy. The mission you got back from. Uh. We ran your bloodwork and you and Barnes and Hawkeye—and Hawkeye and Natasha—got—well, y'got sex pollen-ed, man."

Steve stares at the pair of them for a beat. "Good night, Tony. I'm going back to bed."

"Steve! I'm serious."

"It's okay," Bruce says in an undertone. "We need to find Kate and Bucky still."

Steve opens the door again. "You say Kate?"

"Yeah, you know where she is?"

Steve waves them in and shuffles away from the door to the bedroom.

"Kate," they can hear him say. "Kate. Katie. Hawkeye."

" _What_."

"Get up."

"No."

"Yes. Come on. Something's up."

"Ugh. Okay. What? What are you doing?"

"Stark and Banner are here. Unless you _want_ them to see--"

"Yeah, fine, give me the shirt. Bucky. Bucky, put some pants on. If I have to be awake, so do you."

Bruce stares at Tony. "We fucked up so bad. "

"Who do you think will kill me faster?"

"Okay, I'm here, what do you want?" Kate is swimming in an oversized sweatshirt that frames a large yellowing bruise along her neck and collarbone. Not a sexy kind of bruise; a 'somebody punched the crap out of me' bruise. Steve is still not wearing a shirt, and Tony feels a sort of horrifying certainty that a good portion of the bites on Steve's chest are from her. 

Steve half-drags her to the couch, leaving Bruce and Tony to pick from the puffy chairs across. 

"Where's my coffee?" Kate says in a plaintive sort of voice, leaning over and biting Steve on the shoulder. Not hard, just—a bite. Like it's a normal thing, like _what the hell who even does that._  Kate is going to kill him later, and he will deserve it. 

Tony takes a deep breath, and wonders who is going to get to him first. Billy, maybe? Will Billy kill him slowly for doing this to Kate? "Well, uh. So, Bruce and I ran your post mission bloodwork and you all ingested—well, basically sex pollen."

"Sex pollen?" Barnes appears from the shadows and Tony jumps out of his skin. "What the hell's that?"

He flops on to the couch next to Kate, slouched against the armrest. She tucks herself against his side, and Tony would rather not have noticed Bucky's metal hand sliding under the hem of her shirt, but everyone has their burdens to bear.

"It's pollen that makes you want to have sex," Kate rolls her eyes. "Of course."

"Oh, right, _of course_ ," Steve parrots back. He's the most awake of the three which means he's the most sarcastic right now.

"Yeah, it's not always a pollen," Bruce stammers. "But it significantly lowers inhibitions and tends to—um--" his face is bright red. Tony didn't even know Bruce could _turn_ that color.

"Make you want to have a ton of sex. Like, all you can think about. Shorter refractory period, heightened libido, greater sensitivity, a single-minded focus on getting off...is any of this sounding familiar?" Tony tries not to sound desperate, because what else explains the three of them? He's trying to help! He's being really mature about it!

"Did we?" Barnes looks at Kate and Steve with bleary eyes. 

"What?" Steve looks at Bucky, puzzled.

"Have a ton of sex."

"I mean, no more than usual, I don't think?" Bishop leans back into Barnes, his hand riding farther up under her shirt. "There was the living room, and the couch, and the bedroom, and the bed, and the shower--"

"Woah, woah, what the hell! That's _normal_?" 

Tony's brain is on fire. The deadly humans cuddle puddle that is happening across from him. The assumption that the three of them have a baseline of _normal_ amounts of sex that they have. 

"Kate gets really revved up after fights," Steve says, and it takes Tony a minute to realize that he's answering a question Tony really wishes he hadn't asked.

"Oh, yeah, it's all on me," she grumbles. "Yeah, I'm the only one--"

"BUT," Bruce interrupts before Tony can stroke out. "It was normal for--you? For your normal post-mission...exploits?"

"I mean," Bishop leans even farther back, her heel sliding up the inside of Steve's thigh. Steve doesn't seem too concerned about it, just putting a broad hand on her ankle to still her foot's trek up his leg. "There was more down time between the bed and the shower than ususal."

"For _you_ ," Barnes mutters.

"Oh, right," Kate nods, eyes half-closed. "I took a nap."

"Oh my god," Bruce hides his face in his hand, the coward. "Oh my god."

"Billy's not here," Kate's eyes aren't even open as she says this, tucking her face into Bucky's elbow. "Now go away."

"No!" Tony is on his feet in an instant, the fear and rage coalescing into a propellant, finally getting him to move. "Kate, I've known you since you were in fifth grade, crank calling me with that friend of yours, Miles-what's-his-face. I'm not going to let some—some—some Justin Hammer bullshit drug make you sleep with Captain America! And Barnes," he adds as an afterthought.

 _Now_ Kate is looking at him, an eye cracked open. She pokes Steve in the ribs with her toes. "See, and you were all afraid to have elevator sex because you were _sure_ he'd be looking for blackmail material on the security footage. You owe me a cookie basket."

Steve curses under his breath. All Tony can do is stare. "What?" He looks from Kate to Steve to Bucky, and for the first time notices the purple blanket on the back of the couch, the quiver stashed in the corner and the one under the island in the kitchen, and the Hawkeye coffee mugs in the dish drainer. "Oh my god." Tony wants to die. He wants to fling himself in front of a cab. " _That's_ why you're here all the time? I thought you were just harassing Clint!"

"I mean, I do that, too."

"You're sure?" Tony has to be certain. It could be the hypothetical drug, only now he's questioning if the results were real or if someone was screwing with him. "No unusual sex drive?"

"We didn't do anything on the plane back this time, if that's what you're asking," Barnes looks halfway back to sleeping. 

"No! That is not! I mean, it is, but--" There isn't enough brain-bleach in the world, though this is definitely the wrong group for that joke, Tony decides. 

"Tony you're bein' really sweet," Kate's words are starting to be sleep-slurred. "But I don't feel the need to bang Steve and Bucky any more than I usually do. I mean, that's not sayin' a _lot_ , but--"

"You know what?" Bruce grabs Tony by the collar and drags him to his feet. "We're just going to show ourselves out. You guys get some rest, now. Be safe."

They make it to the elevator before Tony starts hitting his head against a wall. "What. The. Fuck."

Bruce offers to buy breakfast and lots of mimosas, and if Tony strains he can almost hear laughter whispering down the halls. There is not enough alcohol in the world.

* * *

 

When they go to pay three hours and a lot of booze later, the waitress smiles at them. "Don't worry. Some guy already paid your bill."

With dread, Tony asks. "Who was he?"

"No idea. Paid cash. Skinny, dark hair. Green jacket."

"Gold headband?" Bruce guesses.

"Yeah, how did you know?" The waitress smiles at them. "Anyway, have a nice day!"

This time, the laughter is louder.

_Eheheeheeehehehe_ _._

Goddamnit.

Literally.

**Author's Note:**

> for some reason I just see kate as very bitey in this fic??? I had a friend who would do that once


End file.
